June 18, 2015
Note: Three and a half years ago I sat and pondered my future prospects, knowing what I needed and wanted as opposed to what I ‘had’ to do. Now, looking back, I am drawn to return to where I was and may well choose the same. I have prospered and yet I have suffered and the desire to return to the freedom and the simplicity I spoke of is stronger than any other! I would like to go home…..
January 6, 2012
Indian Divide, New Mexico
There are times that I must question my own logic and yet can as quickly affirm my choices. My room was chilly this morning, as was my house, and I had to urge myself to rise in spite of being well rested. It took me a few minutes during which I savored the warmth of the blankets and those peaceful morning thoughts that accompany them, my life is sweet. I pondered the things that I have at the moment which bring me such happiness, the comforts of my home, the lack of stress and struggle that I left behind me so recently, the new horse I have acquired and the close proximity of the friends and family which I so treasure. I also chided myself for being so willing to settle for all of that, I am making far less money than I should and my hands hurt from the labor but I am so unwilling to do anything else. This should be worrisome!
Finally overcoming the thought of that first chill touch of morning I arose quickly and as I donned my robe headed for the woodstove and its usual warmth but I found it cold as well. I had expected it to keep the cold at bay and had even thrown a few extra sticks into it late in the night but rather than burn they had smoldered leaving but a few hot coals amongst the ashes. In spite of the brief inconvenience I quickly had a crackling fire started and after I put on my tea stepped outside to pee and to start the generator. It is always laughable to consider the effort of getting out of bed only to quickly step outside, clad only in my robe and with my legs still bare, into the cold darkness of the mountain morning. Perhaps it is the twinkle of the stars, or simply the sweet freshness of the morning air which offsets the cold? It is that and more for even as I laughed at myself the absolute joy of the new day embraced me as well and the rare ache rose from my heart. The first touch of the day is the equal of that I once sought from a lover and it has in fact replaced it and welcomes me in the same manner as a partner once did. It is what holds me here as well.
It is easy for me to think myself a fool at this moment! If all that keeps me here is the joy of the early morn, the flash of first light on the mountain peaks and the peaceful stillness of my solitary perch then it should be just as easy to leave! Only three short months ago I packed my bags and headed west, only to return to this. I made more money in three months than I have made in half of the last year and yet I hated every minute of it. I have another such opportunity right now and yet I can barely consider it! How reckless and foolish I am to be this way and yet I cannot make myself leave, even with so little to keep me. So well have I convinced myself of the value of the simple things that I have come to believe in them as well, the transition is complete! It leaves me flat footed, it is the money that I need though everything I want surrounds me here.
I will have to make a choice soon. Even as my inspiration returns to me I am faced with the brutal realities as well and I would be a fool to stay here. My dream and my desire is to write, and write I will but if I continue as I am at this moment I cannot even afford to do that, let alone to publish anything.
I watch as the morning light takes her daily journey across the peaks of the Carrizo, gently falling across its slopes and illuminating the ramparts as she always does, and I am content. I recall the glory of the cliffs in the Monticello Box which were lit in the same way and my heart aches for them also, along with the windswept plains. I could go there again, if I had a reason to, but otherwise I’ll stay. This is another turning point in my life and I am just a little afraid but yet I see no other way, the feelings is too strong to do otherwise. I can leave again, as I should, and the opportunity awaits me, but this place would pull me back. Instead I will draw on my resources and try this again already knowing that I will always find my way. For the moment, I am home.
My measure of wealth is to have the ability and the freedom to make such choices as I have just spoken of. The choice between my own personal happiness and material gain is clear and I have made the agreement with myself that as long as I can honor my responsibilities the amount of time it takes to do so is almost irrelevant. I choose my happiness first! It may sound crazy but it works for me and I am so grateful to be home.