October 19, 2014
185 Nogal Canyon Road
Bent, New Mexico
I write first for myself, I always have, even if I also tailor my entries for the eyes of others, as they are intended to be. I write because there is a voice in my soul which needs to speak, not so much so as to be heard but to express itself. The words are of utmost importance to me and if they are not released in one form or the other they ramble around in my mind in an aimless journey for they have not yet reached their destination. I think that in time such a failure of expression could lead to madness and it may well be the root of it. Thoughts formed but never connecting with something outside of themselves, wasted and unfulfilled, clashing against each other until the clamor is beyond deafening, could become chaos at its worst.
This is a frightening thought on a Sunday morning when I have been blessed with the time and the solitude for which to express and to ponder my thoughts. I am so fortunate to have an outlet available to me and I glory in the wonder of the written word, and that I have been blessed with the gift of sharing it. This is that joyful noise I have heard spoken of and it is one to be shared, in writing, in conversation, in the simple deep contemplation of silence, whenever it is afforded to us, something I require in plentitude to maintain my balance.
I have considered at times that I spend too much time in deep thought and have been accused of the same. In fact, I am not sure I have ever had a partner who hasn’t hushed me when I began to ramble on about one subject or another, though I have also chosen that also. As much as I enjoy a deep and heartfelt conversation I prefer to choose when and where I will have that. Even if these men allowed for it to some extent, neither did they instigate such on a daily basis. If I yearn for the opportunity to express these emotions more often than I do I also need the moments such as this to explore them at my leisure. There are so few people with whom I seem to share this with but I also need the levity and freedom of a lighter hearted soul and I would chose that as quickly over any other, laughter is another essential in my life.
What brought this to mind this morning is this. I was searching my thoughts and reflecting on those of others when it occurred to me that mine is far from a solitary pursuit, though I may take it more seriously than a lot of other people. Of what purpose is entertainment but to take us away from our own thoughts for a moment and to either distract us or educate us, to lead us to a more joyful moment or to study on some deeper insight beyond on our own. How few of us are there who do not lapse into some silent reverie when we are not engaged in some other practice. Certainly there are some who fall into a blank stare within their minds, God Bless them, but for most of us I think there is always an object of concern or interest waiting for us to attend to it. Isn’t there??? And doesn’t that then meet the definition of soul searching?
I search my soul a lot, as if no one has noticed. I was told when I first started reading my essays at the open mike that I was a brave person for sharing those thoughts, emotions and insights and it gave me pause. I had to go back and reconsider what it was I wished to divulge and then decided it all was meant to be shared, less a few deeply personal entries I preferred to hold back. Even those are important but they have sprung from my weaker moments and are not the paths I would want to walk back down, I prefer the higher elevations myself! I want to be inspired and affirmed, to rise above all the distractions and see the light of day or the glow of the stars; it is all and everything I live for.
Who of us hasn’t fallen into some deep reverie and discovered something precious at the bottom of that glistening pool. Even as we marvel at the rings of small waves in a pond after we have tossed a stone into its stillness, so we toss ideas into the depths of our minds to watch our thoughts reverberate within our heads! Such a wondrous gift we have been given to be able to do so and as we search those layers of knowledge and insight so we discover the means to an end, and forge a way forward to our futures. If we fail to do so we fall flat but as for myself it sends me sailing across the broad expanses of my dreams, pushed forward by the barrage of possibilities which well within my spirit.
So it is that I am rewarded when I search my soul and in sharing it I receive the same. I write because I have to, the voice within my soul requires an outlet but it also paves a path. I am blessed with the opportunity to share those thoughts with who so ever wishes to read them, and I receive their input as well. It is a rich exchange, one there has never been enough of it seems but yet I have chosen for it to be so. Ironically it is in our deep silent moments of complete solitude that we can do our best thinking and I require a lot of that. It has led me to places I never would have visited if I had chosen more constant company and I tend to venture further alone. It has also taught me the importance of not interrupting someone else’s thoughts, whether they are speaking or sitting silently and searching their soul. Both are of equal importance.