February 12, 2016
Hot Springs Inn
Truth or Consequences, New Mexico
I drove west into the dusk last night, the light so diffused that even the illumination of the headlights faded into the sunset. The sky was layered in color, blue fading into the orange rim of the sky into the grey of the shadowed mountains, themselves layered as if in an abstract painting. All the while there was a sense of sinking into the horizon, as if the blend of colors were dissolving the lines as I drove into the deepening darkness. The sense of comfort was complete as well, I tried to record my thoughts but the spoken word broke the magic of the silence. The words were meant only for pen and paper and I made no time for them as I was too tired to dally.
So it is that so many spurts of inspiration have been lost to me! Where is the time to take pause and capture the marvel of the moment when I am always pressing forward to be somewhere or to do something? This has become the story of my life and has clouded the joyful spontaneity which has always flavored my existence and even now, as I seek an alternative, I venture towards yet another commitment also. I have other choices but each and every one of them presents yet another challenge.
The easiest thing I can release is also the most precious and I am, as of yet, unwilling to let go. The truth be known my commitment to Karl is stronger than it has been even as I see his failings also. He is slipping, ever so slowly, into the abyss of his weakness and in the process relying more and more on my presence also. I need that, it is my weakness, even though, as I spoke last night, I am better off alone. It is the solitude which I thrive on and there I find the greatest of inspiration. It does not spring from loneliness but instead revels in the silence and the lack of distraction and in the end I am my own best friend. It is only the desire to share the wonder of it all which draws me to companionship and even if we do not speak of such things very often the understanding of that is complete. I have found no one else in so many years whose company I can tolerate and even with his flaws he fills that space.
The layers of my life are much like the horizon was at dusk last night and the colors fade and blend into one another, making them whole even as they swallow me into their completeness. Karl stumbles drunkenly into another day even as I gather my own thoughts back into myself. There is nothing I can do for him when he is like this even if I could strike the much needed balance if I were there, now is the time for me to care for myself first. It remains to be seen if I can or will take him with me, I am better off without him, but the hope remains also that we can find our way together. I know I am better off alone……
Today I will explore other options and look for other ways and other places to live. Something has drawn me here for a long time and now I have the opportunity to consider the possibilities. I need to clear my mind and my thoughts and to allow myself the chance to see my life as clearly as possible. I am glad I got away and I will perhaps stay gone at least another day, even if money is short. Some things are more important than others and my sanity must come first, something which seems to be in such short supply at the moment. I will retreat to the canyons this afternoon, and meet with Kristi, another key to my happiness it seems. She will help me as I will help her, that is already understood and perhaps in the healing there will come more light to both of us. She speaks of things that so few people can understand and yet for her, as with me, they are inherent insights. I need another layer of that!