July 12, 2016
Nogal Canyon Road
Bent, New Mexico
I have gone still for a moment, turning inward to heal and restore that which I have placed behind the needs of another. I bemoaned that circumstance for the past several years but rather than remedying it instead perfected the process. Am I sorry for having done that? No, not really in the least, even if I lost some ground in the process, so I gained in others also. I am stronger, clearer, more centered and determined than I was four years ago; even if I was on the right path then also. I have gained a focus and an appreciation which I might have missed otherwise and the delineation between my wants and my needs, and the awareness that my needs have been fulfilled, is as clear as it has ever been. Sure, there are still a few things that I really want, but my path to their attainment is also clearer than it was.
I stand alone again now, and I am grateful as I have ever been for the solitude and as importantly, the lack of distraction. If I have always had the desire for companionship so I have gloried in my freedom and always chose my own company over anything less than the best. Was I in the best of company for the last four years, no, but in so many ways yes. How can I explain or justify that statement except to say that one can be fascinated by another’s beauty and grace, intelligence and ability while still acknowledging their failures. Certainly I can and should do better but I can honestly say I have rarely kept company with a more amazing person and I am only sorry that he could not find it in himself to fulfill his greater destiny, though who am I to be the judge of that? It is so much easier to project our vision on others than it is for ourselves and it is that which I am so trying to do for me now.
I have spent my life trying to direct other people to a greater purpose, to guide their energies towards the joy and happiness I so pursue in my own life. If the proverb, ‘We are all teachers and best teach what we most need to learn,’ is true then I am the perfect example of the same. We have all, for the most part, (for there are some truly miserable people) been given the gift of joyfulness and vision, just as we are graced with a fair measure of energy with which we can do as we please. If we wish to focus on the sorrow and misery of our lives it is ours to do so. At the same time we can redirect that energy towards whatever pursuit or idea we choose and I for one have made every effort to make a positive of each and every event in my life. Certainly there have been failures but so they have strengthened my resolve to better my circumstance.
So it is that I have gone still. There is no immediate crisis in my life, having eliminated he who was in a constant state of the same. For once I have no desire to create a new challenge or go flying off on some new adventure and there is little need for change at the moment. Sure, things could be better but they have been far worse. Rather than plunging off into the unknown, as I was so apt to do in the past, I prefer to ‘Put my house in order and wait on the will of heaven’, a Runic council which has served me well whenever I have applied it. This is something new for me, I have never felt so settled or so still and I am taking great pleasure in the opportunity to peruse the future from such a solid stance. I may not be where I want to end up but neither am I so miserable that I cannot be content with what I have. I am also more aware of the part that I play in fulfilling the other requirements for my true happiness. I certainly have a lot to work with and if I take pause for a moment it may even take care of itself. I am going to sit still for a moment and find out.