July 14, 2016
Nogal Canyon Road
Bent, New Mexico
How to fill my life’s picture with the vision I have of what I’ve always wanted? If there is one subject I have pondered and focused on it is this, and I have written volumes regarding the same. I should herald the fact that I have not only held true to that dream but also lived it to some great degree and yet, in the same breath, it remains unfulfilled by some fault of my own. There has been the adventure, the freedom, the log cabin in the mountains, the self contained school bus (thank you, grins) and even those free spirited dark eyed men, to name a few. Still yet I have spent the better part of the last few days, and an inordinate amount of time before that, bemoaning the scarcity of the same. None of this is, in my opinion, some grandiose vision which is seemingly unattainable. In fact I feel that I am so very close, I just haven’t been able to grasp it firmly enough to fulfill it.
The image is clear and I have been so close at times! There were the years on the road when I wanted so little else but somewhere to settle and live that life. There was a young man I met who came so close but we slipped away. There was the Cabin in the Gap, an hours’ drive from here and the man I was so certain was my destined partner, and he was, for a time. There was the one who I followed to Oklahoma after him. We stood on the edge of the prairie there and came so close! There were the times in between during which I lived the dream all by myself, and those too were some of the best of times. There was even yet another, whose dark eyes flashed with so much life and brilliance but dimmed just as quickly with his failures. My optimism finally failed as well….No regrets, there were gains all along the way and I have learned from them all.
How to? I am as free to choose as I have ever been and if I take stock of what I have within my reach I could almost get there. In fact, I could get into my truck right now and drive an hour north of here. I could unlock the door of my Nogal House and spread my leather on the table and draw the image that still lingers in my mind and begin. I could take my paints and fill in the picture, punch holes in the leather and lace it to some wire and I would be done. I could make a few of these pieces, sell them, fix my kilns and buy some clay and glazes and begin. I know what used to sell and it would be easy to replicate them. It really is that simple, but I am not quite there yet, but I am close. Knock a corner off of my debts and I am there!
Perhaps I am closer than I think, having breathed life into that vision. That is so much a part of it, to let that image come to full recognition. It is like the picture I still see of the shield I would have created if I hadn’t of had other commitments. It is that same commitment which I have made to my happiness which I am not going to allow to evade me any longer. I assessed my accomplishments this morning as I was walking out the door and what I saw was good. In spite of the distraction I had allowed into my life I still managed to build myself a very comfortable dwelling and to amass the things I require for my comfort and success. I have the vehicles I need for the purpose they serve, and even an extra or two which satisfies my wants, as well as the tools and materials to pursue my art. I even have a studio in the making (another bus, LOL) and I can also reflect on my list and draw comfort from the same. I penned this three years ago and have kept it on the wall since, having made progress to some degree on all and have succeeded at others.
- Reduce/eliminate my burden of debt
- Create and market my artwork
- Complete and make every attempt to publish my book
- Better my work environment (change jobs?)
- Make my writing pay, a blog perhaps?
- Begin another book
- Finish my renovation of the bus(es)
- Have all my vehicles in good running order
- Ride and or sell my horse
- Sort my possessions (again) and lighten my load, no excess baggage
- Realign my focus on my health and happiness, set clearer goals J
- Find my place in the universe, a more permanent dwelling spot?
I have arrived at yet another turning point and I offer it to the world that we all might share the thought. My conundrum is no different than my quest; it is one we all share to one degree or another. It is the way we choose to deal with it which determines the outcome. I have never been a quitter even if I have at times stayed my progress by compromise or acceptance. There have been times when the constraints were genuine and I made the best of them, with no regrets there either. I spent twenty years providing for my children while still trying to live my dream and I have spent every year since then trying to fulfill it, for their sake as well as my own. If I have chosen one priority over the other without using my best judgment, so I had to make that choice to find out. Moving on from there I can reflect on the mistakes as well as the gains, and the gains were good. It is no different than when I stepped out on the highway in the height of my youth and ventured forth to parts unknown. I have satisfied my curiosity and found the things I want the most and those I can live without, which is what our journey is all about.
I arrive at this new year of my life and I ask, “How to?” I know how to, I have been doing it all of my life. It is deciding on what the priorities are and putting them into practice which decides the outcome. I had an image in my mind this morning of a piece I wanted to create and I may well have taken the time to create it. I decided not to as I had a previous commitment and as with several other things I want to accomplish, they are going to have to wait their turn. At the same time I saw this through and put into words the dreams and desires I want to purse. I have given them the life and the substance they require to become a reality and I will honor that as well. That is how to, I have done all this before!