Here’s A Thought

Rainbow

August 2, 2016

Bohemian Grace

Nogal Canyon

Bent, New Mexico

 

Here’s A Thought

 

Here’s a thought, and a brilliant reflection of my rational I might add. Some people prefer solitude over company. Some people prefer silence over noise and distraction. I fall into both categories and I spend a lot of time alone and revel in the silence as well. I told my sister that I rarely listen to music and she responded, “Weird.” I laughed, it is just me and I enjoy my own company immensely, which is what inspired this essay.

 

What better measure is there for a relationship than the degree which we enjoy the company of others above and beyond our own? In retrospect, as I adjust to my newly restored solitude, I am reflecting on what I lost as opposed to what I have gained. Gone is the crisis in my life, first and foremost. The frantic efforts of my yesterdays have given way to a calm contentedness which I have never fully appreciated until now. It took me fifty eight years to discover this even though it is the very thing I have sought from the start. Certainly I found it in bits and pieces along the way but I have never managed to sustain it, there was always something missing. When I was alone I wished for company, when I had company it was never quite complete but rather peppered with the ‘What if’s’ that seem to haunt most relationships.

 

After this last one, all of that has changed and even if there are still some outstanding desires they are few and far between, and I ‘need’ none of them. Instead, they are the wants I am still working towards. So much of my current happiness stems from that, the realization that I have obtained the things I need to be safe and comfortable. In the end those are all so personal and I am grateful for my determination to be self sustaining because I don’t ‘need’ anyone to provide me with those. Perhaps I am unique in that sense because I can provide for myself, even if it does make me a little ‘weird’, but I am ok with that. The ensuing peace of mind is almost enough!

 

The solitude leaves much room for introspection and I paused to wonder if I am unique in that as well. I have a smart phone with a headset and I could turn on the music, if I was so inclined, but I don’t. I prefer to allow my thoughts to wander as they will, or to pour them on the page. That in itself is some wonderful substitute for the company and again I must reflect on my choice of the same. For the past four years I entertained a most fascinating companion but he lacked the desire to better his own life but instead allowed me to sustain it in so many ways. I acquiesced, he was entertaining to say the least and he filled a void that has too often been empty, but all at a price as well. The balance tipped two years ago, but I couldn’t bear to desert him, so I stayed the course. In the end it resolved itself and I shed not a tear. What was restored far outweighed what was lost, and I hope he never comes back!

 

So here’s a thought. Some people prefer solitude over company. Some people prefer silence over noise and distraction. Perhaps it is important for all of us to take pause on occasion and to take stock of what we have as opposed to what we need. Having done so we can then reflect on what we want and also, if we are still in a relationship, how well that person meets our own personal requirements. In so many ways I was better to my friend than I was to myself, and for a long time that was ok, I gained a lot of satisfaction from the agreement. As long as it was in balance, that was ok, but when the scales tipped, and I can recall when that was, and it was time to make a change. I wrote it down too, it said, “Something has to give”. Something did give, and it was a part of me I didn’t really want to relinquish, but I did. Looking back, it was there I learned the lesson, but it took us parting for it to come home. I prefer my own company to that of most others, and I am grateful to have arrived at that understanding. If that makes me a little weird that’s ok too, as long as I am happy!

 

Here’s a thought…….

4 responses to “Here’s A Thought”

  1. modezmo says :

    I can relate to your feelings. Enjoying your own company is most of the battle!

  2. agapejacqui says :

    I’m so grateful to have saved this to read at a time when I could give the words my full attention! Hmmm, the words clarity and balance come to mind. For me, these are qualities I find in the silence and yes, although I love music, I find myself choosing silence over sound a majority of the time. I’m doubtful that makes any of us weird…simply we are who were are. Authentically. My favorite kind of person! 🙂

  3. cathieeisen says :

    Love you Jacqui. Thank you!

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