October 18, 2016
Nogal Canyon Road
Bent, New Mexico
The morning clouds streak the sky like a horse’s mane in the wind. I want to ride that horse off into the day and gallop across some broad plain into the endless horizon. If such wishes have always defined my life I see where I have deprived myself of them also. If my daily musings so often reflect my desire for their equal, so they speak to the denial. Certainly there has been some joy in the last few years of my life, adventure and discovery, happiness and companionship, yet far too little of them in the end. I have fallen into the trap of the elusive pursuit of financial freedom in the very name of the same. It is that which holds me here as anything else, even if the dream remains.
So recently I ran down a path along a slough and laughed aloud as I ran. That same hour I lay on the dock over those same waters and basked in the sun, content to savor the stillness. How long has it been since I had done either, or felt such pleasure in the moment? I cannot say, it has been that long……….Can I then put a price on my happiness and serenity? The things which have brought me the most joy in my life have always been priceless, in every sense of the word, and they always will be. They are the wind and the sky, the sun and the moon, and those moments of pure joy when I can only laugh aloud to express them. It has been a long time since I have done so but I am slowly rediscovering that.
I want to feel the sway of my horse’s body as he stretches and runs. I want to sit quietly astride his broad back and watch his ears for his next thought. Riding has always been a meditation of sorts, the horse my mantra and the beauty of nature the serenity. It is that very stillness I require now, above anything and everything else. So I would have it that I could sit on that solitary dock over the quiet waters of the Bosque Redondo and wait for a tug on my fishing line. I would even be satisfied to be perched on a rock on some high point of the Plain with but the rolling grasslands to capture my eye. I should be content.
If I have centered so much of my attention on my debts, my duties and the welfare of one other who had no regard for his own, so I have redirected my attention. If just yesterday I struggled to even gather my thoughts today the clarity has been restored to me. The clouds at dawn were all it took, and the remembrance of the freedoms I have always treasured. I have the assurance that they are still within my reach. I forget sometimes, a thought which reminds me again of how precious every moment is. I have no way of knowing how long I will remember, or have the chance to embrace the present moment and there is no way of knowing! It makes every moment all that more priceless, doesn’t it!