November 10, 2016
185 Nogal Canyon Road
Bent, New Mexico
It would be easy to blame it on the moon, and perhaps I can do so. I have been sleeping well these past few days and yet waking with complete clarity in the deep of the night. It could be the time change too, as my internal clock tries to adjust while I resist the change. I prefer instead to go to sleep early so I have more time for myself in the morning. I love the mornings, when my clarity is crisp and alive as it is now, before the day begins to rob me of the peace I would otherwise carry with me. If there is one wish I have it would be to work for myself and not have to sacrifice a moment of my day to any other effort than that which I would choose. I would write every morning, sit and create endless art and in my leisure wander the hills and the plains, afoot or on horseback. I am looking forward to more of the same in the near future, my plans are set.
So today I can blame the moon, or more aptly, credit it with the heightened energy I have been blessed with for the moment. I can easily explain there is an essence in the air which is purely spiritual and it has uplifted me as I greet the day. Or else I can look closer at myself and give me some credit also as I have been trying to work in this same direction. If I had resigned myself to another winter here and the prospect of being less that happy with my life in general, so I have decided against that. Over the past two months I have instead sought out loftier goals and in the process rekindled my spirit.
Instead of staying here I have wandered to the east, back out onto yet another plain of existence, literally and figuratively. I have rediscovered the peacefulness of unpeopled places and in the process reached back into myself for that stillness. By removing myself from the steady routine of my life and my work I have allowed the very essence of my existence to return in full measure. I was greeted this morning by the same. In turning my eye and my thoughts away from my worries and concerns and instead focusing on things which have always brought me happiness so they have returned to me also.
From the moment I stepped out of my truck in the solitude of the Llano Estacado, the Palisaded or Staked Plain of eastern New Mexico, my spirit has been restored. If I have missed the arid openness of the San Agustin Plain I have rediscovered it in a different place. If the freedom of these past few months has allowed my thoughts to turn inward rather than the distraction of the past, I have found I had to look outward also. I have stilled myself in such a manner that my attentions can be focused on the very essence of my existence, something I have never quite accomplished while still actively engaged in working for a living. The one exception was when I worked for New Mexico Tech and they paid to me to escape; now I seem to have discovered the bridge I have been seeking.
I could blame it on the moon and wonder if this is but a fleeting moment, soon to escape me, but I won’t. I am becoming more mindful of the things I require for my happiness and I refuse to allow them to slip away again, they have been sorely missed. I am on yet another journey of discovery and having amassed the tools through years of struggle I will put them to good use. There is no effort more important than that and the aging process has strengthened my resolve. When, if not now, will I affirm my existence and reach for the loftiest goals? Do I wait another ten years before I decide my happiness is paramount or do I affirm that now? I am not doing it just for myself but out of love and respect for my children for if there is one legacy I wish to leave for them, and everyone else who might know or care, it is to have lived well and happily, that others might do the same. If I have struggled with my parents’ failure to achieve that goal so I want to spare my children of the same. I may not leave them a wealth of material possessions but they will hopefully recall my smile!
I continue to reflect on the moment just days ago when I took pause as the rain soaked my hair. The thunder had startled me and warned of the oncoming deluge. I had been walking down a deserted dirt road on the featureless plain, marveling at the clouds and the storm, breathing in the coolness of the wind and the rain. The solitude was complete and I have no doubt I was miles from another person, and had no desire for company either. I flung off my hood and let the rain cleanse my spirit and in that moment was as well as I have been in far too long a time. It is moments such as that when I realize there is so little any of us requires to find true happiness, sometimes less is so much more. I can credit the moon, but there is more to it than that. I have once again opened my spirit to the wonderful possibilities which surround us every day, and I won’t soon forget that again.