Some Semblance of Order
June 17, 2017
Fort Sumner, New Mexico
Some Semblance Of Order
If there is some semblance of order in my life there is also the unknown. I have busied myself with the completion of the camper, an in depth effort if it is to be done nicely. If I wish I could finish the side walls today and call it good, I want something more than that. The possibility that I might end up living in it for a time makes this more crucial. Though I require few comforts it is nice to have a comfortable space. There is also a measure of vanity I suppose, coupled with practicality. If I am to fall back on the uniqueness of my lifestyle as a possible source of income it should have a good flare to it also. If I am to illustrate to the rest of the world the wonders of such freedom and mobility, so it should shine. Many years ago I lived in a 1959 Ford Pickup with a homemade camper and even then I lived quite well. It only makes sense that I do justice to the latter version of the same.
That said, it is hot here! The temperature went well up into the 90’s yesterday and when I made my way to Clovis the sign at the bank still said 101 at sunset. How lucky I am that I am heading for the mountains, though it is wicked dry there. I have grown to love the river valley here and I am endeared to the Village as well. Even with my freedom in hand I have yet to hurry off and instead busied myself with many other things. In fact, I need to prepare to move my camp, as important as the effort of the camper. I seem to not be in a hurry, ducking the effort I suppose, but I am moving forward. I might well make a list of things I need to do, I’m just not there yet! The must do’s and wanna do’s are all tangled up for the moment. If there is some semblance of order it will have to ‘do’ for the moment.
What I need to do is to call Jeff Daily and make a commitment to the ranch work. If I am aching to escape to the road I also need to work and that place offers the same. It is hard work, but I love it and with David close by I will be ok. He has a lot of work lined up but I can pay him to help me also. I even just now called Jeff and left him a message, I need to return there for financial and spiritual reasons. The work will be restorative for mind, body and spirit. A return there is not a measure of failure but rather one of success. I have spent some of my best years working there! If going back to Nogal brings some sense of concern there is endless potential. If I have yet to fulfill the grandest of my goals the opportunity to meet them is also close at hand.
If there is a conundrum it is this, a lament I have expressed far too often in my musings! If I have come so close to the ideal right there in my Nogal House on the Vera Cruz, neither have I found true happiness. At times yes!!! There and in the Capitan Gap I have kissed the dream and lived it to full measure. Ronnie and I had it all, we just failed miserably to maintain it! I look back and wonder what it was that made us miss the glory of our holdings, though I begged him to recognize that. He was never content, never satisfied with his lot, and in the end it killed him. That I saw the potential of that 140 acres in the mountains and tried to honor it with my efforts was never quite enough and the drugs and the alcohol robbed us of the rest. Not that we didn’t have our glory days, our children, the garden, the horses, the cabin and the cows, because we did, it just never was enough. Now that I am older and wiser I might have done better, but he is gone, and we will never know what might have been………..
I have lived the same dream at Nogal, though I have done so alone. In all of the fourteen years I have lived there I have only once, briefly, shared the house with a partner. He was a partner, but his bitterness and anger defeated the potential. Otherwise I have always been with someone somewhere else. If I have been happy to be alone most of the other times, the house has some high lonesome to it also. I have touched the dream many times from that very spot, with my garden, my art, my writing and many an adventure. I have never been lonely, though at times I felt alone. I have come to believe that if I am to live the life I truly wish to live, I need to seek it somewhere else. That has been as much of the reason I have left as any other, though finances have come in to play as well. I can make a living there but I can do better elsewhere if I want a full time job. Now I return hoping I can do so while maintaining my freedom. It is, as I well know, as much a mindset as it is location and if I am happy with myself everything else follows suit!
As always my freedom is hinged on my finances, and the same will guide my plans. For the moment I am set, there is money on its way from several sources and I can hold my own for a while. If I play it smart and no great jobs present themselves I will have the summer for myself. If I am truly innovative, by the end of the summer I will not need a job but will instead have an income from my own efforts. I have dreamed and spoke of this for years and if this wasn’t a planned event it is certainly a timely one.
The sun climbs higher in the sky and there is a load of materials in my truck, waiting for me to use them. The camper, while not a necessity, is also a key factor in my plan. It opens the door to freedom, opportunity and adventure, a wonderful mix! If I want to retreat to the wilderness for a few days I will be free to go. If I want to do a walk about and sell some artwork, the wheels will turn. If I want to wander the highways and sell my art on the roadside while I sit and make more, explore festivals and flea markets, there I am. If I decide to go back to work, I have a sound shelter. The possibilities are endless. Somewhere in the mix I will have more time to write also! I had best put things in order!!!