If I Stay
June 24, 2017
Vera Cruz, NM
If I Stay
Though I planned to return to Fort Sumner last night a phone call bade me to stay. My doctor’s appointment for Monday is in Alamogordo, much closer than Albuquerque where I thought it was. I planned it that way, but as quickly forgot. Fortunately I was reminded before I departed and instead will stay for the weekend. It is blessedly cooler today as the rains are trying their best to make a showing. I will welcome any storms that come to visit as even one drop of rain is a respite! Having been trapped in the grasp of heat and drought any offer of moisture is greeted with joy!
I needed to stay, though the tension has yet to leave my shoulders. I am confronted once again with a barrage of choices, none which I care to make at the moment. I am content to listen to the wind and the soft coo of the mourning dove. I wish to surround myself with the same and wrap the cloak of serenity around my shoulders. If I would rather seek adventure change is the constant here! Jackson Brown’s words echo in my mind at this moment. “Don’t confront me with my failings, I have not forgotten them.” (Fountain of Sorrow). There are so many ghosts I can summon at the thought!
Still yet, there is a serenity which I have not forgotten either and even in the throes of change it prevails. It met me at the door last night and as exhausted as I was, it won out. Where I might have hoped to sit and relax, there were things to do. The only automation here is in myself, as the actions are, for the most part, automatic. I had to start the generator to charge my phone and for the lights. I opened the back door and a window to let the cool breeze flush the heat from the house. That done, I lit the stove to heat my bath water and then put the kitchen in order, as it has been neglected. It has been five and half years since I have lived here, even if I have visited and stayed often enough. By then the water was hot and I took a quick bath by the stove. I still need to sweep the cobwebs from the bathroom and clean the tub, as it too has been unused for too long.
If it all sounds like much effort, it is a part of why I live as I do! Each action, as always, is a reminder of the simplicity I require, and have surrounded myself with in my life here. I want to go through the motions, as much as I wish to build a fire for that selfsame reason. Give me the breath of wood smoke and I will breath in the same serenity it has to offer. I would have built a fire this morning if not for the wind, and was instead grateful I have propane. It is all relative in the end! There are as few frills as there are distractions and I am grateful for the absence of both. I need to let the serenity surround me and free myself of the press of humanity with threatened to crush me even just yesterday. I have yet to recover.
I should go walk in the wind before it heats up or rains. The howl of it says it just might rain. My life here has been ruled as much by those elements as by any other, for it means I live outside as much as I do in. That is the beauty of it, the out of doors is that close, and sometimes one and the same. If the roof isn’t terrible, sometimes it leaks. If the windows remain, two of them are broken and need to be fixed. As always there is a draft when the wind comes from the east, but I have learned to live with it also. If I can overlook those in passing they become personal when I stay, and it looks like I may stay, at least for now. It is as good to know that I can as it is to know I don’t have to. With all the times I have come and gone I have to wonder what my life might have been without that. I am happy not to know. Having had the options has averted many a crisis in my life and this is no exception, though I was far more prepared than I have ever been. If I have accomplished anything I am most thankful for that!
The wind will not abate and I wonder what to do. It is good to have the choice and no pressing commitments, I need a break from those. This will be my day to do as I choose, a simple requirement for my stability. If the serenity has yet to encompass me, it is closer, and the hillside offers much of the same. If there is work to do it can wait, there will be plenty of time for that, if I stay…………