So Close

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August 7, 2017

Nogal House

Vera Cruz, New Mexico

 

So Close

 

I woke early and with little desire to go back to sleep got out of bed quickly. I am glad I did, even if I had tossed and turned through the night. The near full moon and all the wonders of the sky, the pending meteor showers and the soon to be eclipse are all whirling about in the universe. If I have always been sensitive to the celestial influences this seems to be no exception, my energies are moving as fast as the stars. If I was drawn outside to stare at the moon and the clouds of the evening this morning the early rain, such a rarity here, did the same.

 

I stepped out the door just in time to feel the soft drops from the light shower which came with the dawn. I couldn’t move or go back inside, it was too magical for that, though I did grab a jacket. I stepped away from the shelter of the porch to cover my hearth, left open in the clear night just past, and then watched as the wonders of nature filled the sky. If the fog hung heavy over the Vera Cruz, so it was topped by the moisture laden clouds, which sent forth their gifts to the earth. Even now the sky is gray and dampens my plans for the day, though I will venture forth regardless. If I sat in front of my computer all day yesterday and made much progress I have no desire to repeat the effort today! I need to get out and walk, if nothing else.

 

This morning I looked back into my archives as I so often do and I found an affirmation. It was a letter to my friend Rudy, who I still touch base with on occasion. I attached to that letter two lists, one from 2013 of the things that bring me the most happiness, and another I penned much earlier, 2010 or 2011. I cannot find the date and the original hangs in my bus, which is still in Fort Sumner. Both of them offered an enriching perspective which I will carry with me through the day, and much further I hope! Funny but when I woke this morning and looked at what I am surrounded by I saw how close I was to what I have desired and the lists simply affirmed that.

 

Not that it is perfect, for it isn’t, as I am still battling the malaise which followed me here, but it is better! If anything I am suffering from the self-imposed limitations I have placed on myself in an effort to make some well thought out choices instead of just plunging forward. If change has always been a challenge for me, and having had so much of it forced on my unexpectedly, I am still trying to adjust. Having come to the realization that I have to find the means to cultivate my own happiness wherever I am rather than always gazing to the west, or elsewhere, I am still working on that also. Being a dreamer and living the dream are two very different things! That I have both and am still yearning for something more is purely of my own device.

 

I can peruse the lists and see how far I have come. I can look at where I am and find much reason for satisfaction. If I have chastised myself for spending so freely in the past  five years, for initially I struggled badly, so I have more to show for it than I have acknowledged. Ironically the material gains are the equal of my remaining debt, but I have them in my possession and they offer much freedom in return. I have a dwelling(Bus) and a studio (Bus), a camper (Bus) (LOL!) and three running vehicles, two which are four wheel drive (1990 GMC and the 1986 Ranger), and one of them a classic (1974 Jeep Cherokee) . They are worth more to me than anyone else but they are all treasures also, especially for the gypsy I am. That they are all mobile, to some extent, is a plus as I may need to move again, though I hope it will be the last! If I am rooted here for the moment, as much by choice as necessity, is clear, but the dream of ownership remains, even if it seems out of reach for now.

 

The remainder of my earnings went to my basic requirements, rent, food, bills, a lot too much beer (Karl) and a fair share of adventure and travel, my greatest pleasure, and failing as well. There were some other necessities, and not a few medical bills, but still a lot of spending beyond what I had thought! I would not trade it though, even if I could have been out of debt. I also invested in the studio and I have a lot of materials to show for that effort. There will be a good return when I put my hands back to that effort. For now they wait for me to do so but I find myself busied with a barrage of other things, including my effort to forge a viable future. Time moves fast and there will soon come a day when the weekly check is no longer an option and I will have to go back to work, something I am still struggling with. The thought of a full time commitment to a structured work place appalls me! The freedoms I have rediscovered this summer have altered my perspective and I will find it difficult to sacrifice any part of that, though at some point I must.

 

If there is a game plan it is a tentative one for the same reason as I have yet to fully commit to any commitment. I am going to teach, and am trying to formulate a plan. I am also going to put out some feelers for well measurements and sampling though I would have to get a tape or sounder to do that. LOL, I am SO CLOSE. On que I called my old friend David Chace who brought me into the water level field, and the finest days of my career, looking to buy or borrow some used equipment. In the conversation I was reminded that I had an old sounder lying around. Sure enough, I did, and one worthy of repair, as well as an old steel tape with a very functional reel.

 

David told me something years ago when he was using military time to calculate gallons per minute of flow on water wells off of the metered water use. He did that rather than standard time which makes such calculations all the more complex, as I was doing. When I commented on the epiphany I had experienced and asked why he had never pointed that out to me, he replied, with his standard logic, “There are some things a person just has to figure out on their own.” So it was I reminded him of that comment when I sent him a picture of the tools I had found. Here we go again! I am so close………..It was a welcome reminder!

 

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