There Comes A Time
September 1, 2017
Vera Cruz, New Mexico
There Comes A Time
Such a year this has been! I have made so many of the changes I had hoped to make, not so much in the order I had envisioned, but changes all the same. If there was no intention to return here the transition was a good one and now that my feet are back on the ground I can see its full value. I have no desire to consider what the alternatives might have been. I came here out of necessity in more ways that I had known. If the restoration is not yet complete it is closer each day. If for the first few weeks I struggled terribly there was no desire to alter the facts. Now, after three months, I am assured that I have turned yet another corner in my life.
Out of necessity I have been contemplating future endeavors and even went so far as applying for potential employment. That option has been the least appealing of the choices, but also a viable one. For that same reason amongst others, I ventured forth to the ITCA Tribal Summit in Isleta this week. There again is another potential source of employment, as well as a chance to network with representatives from RCAC, the organization where I applied. There too were my peers, who are doing the same work as I have proposed, as contractors with ITCA as well as independently. They are all very successful and I admire their skill sets as much as I do their devotion. I also have some desire to emulate their skills, but not their lifestyles.
There comes a time and mine has arrived. I have battled these choices for my lifetime and spent so much of it moving between the two realms in search of the solutions. I have been the proverbial gypsy through it all, keeping my personal life simple and unfettered as while still working my way through as I must. I have been a devoted employee as well as living on the fringe. I have eked out a living with the bare essentials and I have made a plentitude of money and lived quite well, at least by my standards! I have cratered and I have excelled. I have never failed to recover from the worst times, or stayed the course through the best. I have always retuned here in the end, as I have done again now.
If there was ever a time to decide what I wanted most out of my life it is now. There are a few tears in wait all of a sudden, such is the weight of the emotion. The desires remains unchanged. Having stepped away for three days the return here is an assurance I am living as I wish, with very few exceptions. The exceptions are external, ownership and income being the greatest. If this place was my own the rest would be simple. I would pay my debts and necessities as I go and be done with the rest. I can do the same anyway and for the moment I shall. It is almost enough! I have set a goal professionally also. I need to make enough money to maintain myself and my commitments and I will do so accordingly. I will not make a full time commitment to anyone but instead apply my skills where and when they are required so as to meet my current needs. If I can make $500.00 a week I can hold my own…….
I had thought for a moment to take another job. The appeal of a steady check, benefits, and all the perks sounded appealing, and it is. I know I have the skills and ability to do it well, and even with some pleasure. I could even excel at it, and be well paid for my efforts. I would be paid to travel and to share my expertise. There would be airports and hotels, days on the road, restaurants and the endless cycle of that effort. Or I could stay here and build another fire, create my artwork and offer the same service as the need arose, which it will. If ITCA adds me to their list of ‘Subject Matter Experts’ there will be interim trainings for me to present to tribes across the states which I will gladly present. I can do the same under my own moniker also, when and where I chose. That, and a small water system or two, will be more than enough. And I can stay here.
There comes a time when all that matters is one’s own comfort and security. Never in my life have I had fewer needs or wants. I need to maintain my stability and to meet my obligations, which I will. I want to do the same. I also want a place where I know I will always be able to return to, as I have done here, with the assurance it will be there. I have ceased to consider the chance that I may have to leave here someday, but it is still a constant reality. It keeps me from applying the extra effort to better things also, and I would prefer to do that. I would like to find an alternative, but it can wait for now.
From this day forward I am going to dig a little deeper to find the means to stay and make it work as best as I can, without sacrificing my freedoms. I am not feeling too well so I will keep it simple for the moment. I will make a few plans and phone calls and then clean out my studio. If my energy prevails I will do some artwork, and my laundry. I will spend my day as simply and productively as I wish for each one going forward to be spent. I will make every effort to produce enough to perpetuate that effort, through outreach and creativity. I will think of today and not worry about tomorrow. I saw what I needed to see to make that decision, and the premise of it is sound. There is no reason for me to do it any differently, and it is time to make that work.
The raven greeted me this morning from his perch atop the windmill. I will watch for him tomorrow.