Today

Ruts

October 28, 2017

Bohemian Grace II

Three Rivers New Mexico

 

Today

 

How is it

I’ve forgotten

The freedom

I once knew

When the free wind

Defined

Both my path

And my purpose?

How is it

I allowed

The constraints

Of my life

To make me a prisoner

Of all my own failings?

I never needed more

Than a five dollar bill

To make sure I had dinner

And something to drink

And carried water

As my staple

I had a tarp

And a blanket

And there

I made my bed

And there was nothing else

I even cared

To have

No

Life was so simple then

With my backpack

And my staff

And there was no debt

To even

Our society.

I am grown now

But I am still

The same woman

I was at that time

With the dreams and desires

I have harbored

For a lifetime

And an equal desire

To set myself free

From anything else

That could change that

I could almost

Start walking

Today

(See archives, October 28, 2015 If I Started Walking Now) LOL

I am having another revelation. That is a very nice way of saying that I am in crisis and there will have to be a change! I will not crash and burn in spirit, I am too resilient for that, but my finances are in shambles! If it was not a planned destination neither have I done very much to stave it off. Now my phone has started to ring and there is very little I can or will do to address it. Not now, not yet, though in time I will have to acquiesce.

 

For the moment I am having a revelation. It is not that I am not aware of my failings or my requirements but rather that I am as focused as I have ever been on addressing them. There is no recourse, this is the only path I can follow and find success, on my terms. If I have been a slave of my debts for years, and will remain so, is also irreverent. What I chose to do with my life, from this moment on, will include them.

 

Should I give that a moment’s notice. Yes, certainly. My debts and responsibilities have ruled my direction for the beginning of my travels. They have defined the course of my life from the first credit card I owned, and for all of the years since have done the same. That does not mean I haven’t lived as I have chosen but they have also reined me in. They continue to do so. In the very same breath there is this. I have freedom of choice! There is no rule, no law, and no debt collector who can change that, even if they think they should.

 

The revelation is, ‘I need to find the path away from this and remain on it’. If I have been trying to do the same for all these years of my life so I have failed to find the course. If I am as close as I have ever been to doing so, it is still an equal distance. I have remained to this day my own worst enemy. That the challenge has been unchanged is also my own fault, and all the required resources are at my fingertips. If I am also making a concerted effort to address that is still not the answer.

 

The answer is that I must remain focused on my goals and make them my first priority. I am, even at this moment, more concerned with my circumstances than I am with anything else, and that is unacceptable! I can sit behind my gate and find the serenity I require but the moment I pass through it, or even glance my bills, the challenge remains. You would think I had the ability to change that! There is nothing that says I do not!

 

Today is my day. I may have committed my time and effort to someone else’s needs but the day is still my own. The solutions to my problems have all remained the same but my approach will differ from here. If there has been a failing in my life now is the time to find the answer. As with my resistance to certain things I have discovered repeatedly that if I stay the course the outcome is assured. It always has been. For some foolish reason it is always easier to focus on the problem rather than the solution. It is time to change that in my thinking or it will always remain the same.

 

If I have always tried to keep it simple, so it is. I live a wonderfully simple life and there is no reason not to continue. In fact, I have chosen to make it even simpler, less my debt. I have only added to them by the very act of not paying, but it is a start! Shy a few improvements and repairs there is nothing else I need, but for a pair of jeans or two. Even those will have to wait. Today I will take a deep breath and consider all of the options and I will vie for the best. I learned that lesson a long time ago and must once more apply it. Back then the statement was this, ‘Better to put things in order and keep them that way rather than continually trying to make order of chaos’. It was an awesome revelation. It is time to do the same, today.

3 responses to “Today”

  1. agapejacqui says :

    I have always admired your raw honesty and your willingness to share even the challenging moments in life. Authenticity, so rarely seen, but integral in the life of a talented artist.

    Although, in this now moment, challenge appears…it is evident that there is an indwelling inner vision seeking to be expressed! And I am knowing with you, that it is unfolding as ease and grace! Something phenomenal is emerging…even in moments when we appear to stumble… fall… and reach out!

    In this beautiful season that we call Autumn, I believe that we are each given the opportunity to recognize our own (human) nature in nature. As the leaves on the trees innately know exactly when to release…when to let go…so do we, as human beings. Releasing old ways of thinking, doing, being. And something NEW emerges! New ideas, new answers…or perhaps old ones we’ve long forgotten or set aside.

    As we listen to those inner whispers, the answers already within are now refined and ready to evolve into something much greater! Much love to you, my friend!

  2. cathieeisen says :

    Love always Jacqui!!!!!!! You always echo my sentiments in such beautiful terms. Much love and happiness to you as we make our journey through life. Thank you!

  3. Ann Buchanan says :

    ‘Better to put things in order and keep them that way rather than continually trying to make order of chaos’. YUP! ________________________________

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