Learning To Let Go
November 19, 2017
Vera Cruz, New Mexico
Learning To Let Go
I have learned to let go. Quite unintentionally, I decided to relinquish control and to let go and let God. This has always been difficult for me and quite honestly it wasn’t a deliberate effort, not this time. Instead I reached a point in my life where I hadn’t the ability or the willingness to keep such a hold on the reins. So I let go.
All told it has been a rough summer, or really a rough year. It started off well enough, my move to Fort Sumner being a true positive with a wealth of potential. It even went well for a while, and the adjustments were good, if not all I had hoped for. If I found some much needed respite I was still working much harder than I had intended to and it was taking its’ toll. There was a need for change but it came swifter than I might have hoped! If I was unprepared the timing was good in the end. I am grateful it happened as it did and that I had the means to leave.
Still yet, it got tough from there! I have no right to complain and I needed the time off but still I have struggled. It has been my nature to maintain a routine of meeting my needs and obligations. I almost always have a list, and some projects to work on. The projects have been on hold, even though I have been productive. I have relieved myself of much baggage, and the wood pile is better than it was. My house is in reasonable order, but my efforts are not done. In recouping things I was busy enough, but there is always more to do.
Maybe it was a good summer, even if there are still a few loose ends to contend with. I need to pay my last months’ rent from Fort Sumner and there is a water tank and a table saw awaiting my return. Things are in some semblance of order here, even though I bailed before I finished. I will return this week to do much of the same, and look forward to that. Another day and the wood pile will be done, except for the splitter. I will leave that to my son David and hope to share the effort. In fact, I will wait until we can. I do need him to help free the stove cap, but the rest can be on hold. There is ample wood for this winter, and then some, even without the big stuff. Besides, it doesn’t look like I will be here!
There is more to do of course. I want to sell the big bus and will finish cleaning it this week. I intend to buy a three quarter bus and make a dwelling there instead. I will be more mindful in that effort and make it mobile also. Having gained much experience it will be a pleasure to design! If I go to Elephant Butte it will be simple as the weather there is warmer and I am more worried about the heat than the cold. Aside from that there is but a little clutter to contend with, and that far less than it was! I have made progress, in spite of myself!
What else is there? Having recouped my efforts I feel a lot better about myself. If I have had a sense of inertia all summer and a lack of clear direction I see now what I’ve accomplished. I have let go! I let go of a lot of the old and extraneous possessions, and sold them as I did. I have let go of the big bus, even if it still sits here. I let go of my horse Joseph, as I will the grey also. I want to buy another, one who fits my wants, but that can wait for now. I have released my drive to meet my financial demands (for now) and also found that to be good, it set me free from myself. Even in this moment that same freedom surrounds me and I have a sense of liberation such as has evaded me for my life time. I am content to be right here but even that is not a necessity. I am free to leave or stay.
Such freedom. I have no root anywhere but here and I am not even staying here. If I am camped at Three Rivers and back and forth for now I might leave at any time. Knowing this place is a constant makes it all possible and I need not even be here to draw comfort from that. It is good! The camper makes it even better as I can sleep wherever I am and if I decide to move I need but drive until I get there. If I get the job I have applied for I will look for a room in T or C, but it doesn’t mean I have to have one. All I need is a kitchen and a shower for now. Only the heat of the summer will rule my final choice as I need some place to escape so I can write and do my art. That should be simple enough as the town is designed for the same and has a transient population. I am still looking to the west also and the canyons appeal to me greatly.
It seems I have progressed far more than I thought. It is good to come home to discover that. I have been gone from here for weeks. I am most grateful that I left things in order and things aren’t as bad as I imagined them to be. I have let things go……..my finances are in shambles, but even those can be repaired. I can catch them up as soon as I go back to work so I am fine. As it is there is no crisis and that in itself is an accomplishment. There is no pressing need to do anything and aside from a small pile of paperwork and a few loose ends I am in very good shape. There are the Gross Receipts and Income Tax to contend with but even those are simple.
Where to from here? Even that is no great concern, though I suppose it should be? I have another two or three weeks of unemployment income and then it will be done. I could request an extension and might do so though it may not be necessary either. I have submitted an application to Elephant Butte and while it is not assured there is a good chance I will be hired. If that comes through I can and will depart in the next three weeks or so. And if not? I will stay with Three Rivers for now and work towards online sales, as I should well be doing now!
Funny but the utter peacefulness of this place just hit me full force! There are several small birds fluttering about and they held me spellbound for a moment, reminding me again of the essentials of my life. This then is a necessity! Wherever I go and whatever I choose I cannot relinquish this! There must be stillness and beauty, a quiet place to sit and absorb the wonders of this life. Be it a sunny porch or a window it must gaze out on the simple sustenance such as I have here. I need so little else. I also promise to never again allow myself to become frantic with this practice of living but instead maintain the perspective I have won since my return. All things will be resolved in time and I need not destroy myself trying to accomplish that! To let go and let God is such a simple blessing!
So it is I will go forward from here. I am not going to worry about tomorrow, or next week, or next month. There is no reason to do so. Having let go I allowed things to fall where they would and they did just that. The pieces are few and I need but gather them up and put them in a pile again. They will be addressed in the order of importance. As with these few small piles here, the wood and a few pieces of paper, they will wait for me to do so. My emotions are the same. If I would have a better grasp of those there is a sense of calm which pervades all else, as it should. Nothing has fallen too far from the center and if I wandered aimlessly all summer I circled back in time. Nothing is much different than when I left it.
I walked in here yesterday afternoon and built a fire. The stove stood at ready, the wood in arms reach, and the flames crackled quickly. I went to town and got water without incident and when I returned the house was warm, and so was the water. The generator started on the first pull. I stoked the stove, bathed and went to bed, sleeping well enough and warm throughout the night. The coals were still hot when I awoke and I was out the door at dawn, the first light gracing the highest peaks of the Vera Cruz and Carrizo. There is nothing else I could ask for! Having let go and allowed the universe to do as it would I return to all I have worked for. So it is the future is assured, and I will leave my hands out of it. I have made myself available for things to do as they will and the outcome has been good. Learning to let go was all I had to do! I am so grateful to have done so.