What About Me

December 3, 2017

Three Rivers Trading Post

Three Rivers, New Mexico

 

What About Me

 

There is always that question in my life, “What about me?” Here I sit at Three Rivers Trading Post with a most uncertain future, even if for the moment I revel in my freedom. I have no complaints as of this moment, I am sitting at my desk in my camper, well rested and comfortable. I have settled into the freedom quite well thank you, though I am finding a routine of ‘work’ to be appealing also. I have come to realize it is why I am here. There is company, structure and a place to do my art. There is also a steady flow of people, for the most part, each with their own story and a willing ear as well. I am enjoying it. For one such as I who so often opts for solitude this is an interesting prospect! I am paying mind to the same, it is something I need to maintain if I am to be content.

 

So, am I destined to a store front? Here it is ideal as the people who pass through are so often travelers to the Petroglyphs just up the road. This, along with Highway 54, an international highway, brings a wonderful variety of visitors. If I have little patience for mankind in general I love intellect and inspiration and find a fair measure of it here. In fact, it is the same appeal of the glimpse I have had of some of the people in T or C, who come there for the lake and the hot springs, as well as the history, which draws me there. It is also what makes me willing to leave the haven in Nogal, in spite of its peacefulness. I need a little more at times, even if I find much happiness there also.

 

That is, in the end, the contrast. I have learned to feather my own nest and find much happiness in my solitude, and always have. At the same time I am a social person to some measure, and enjoy ‘good’ company. Having rarely had enough of that, due to my own peculiarities, I have found some measure of comfort here. Pam and Cameron are good people, as are those who are drawn to them, and it is a nice place to be. Quite honestly, if I can find the means to make it work, I may well stick around! The kicker is finding a way to do that and still make some measure of income, as that too is an essential! It is also all about me, and how I will get myself to accomplish that.

 

If I have always been ambitious and motivated my execution of my ideas has been my shortfall. I have no deficit of ideas, talents or abilities but the ability to put them in motion and make them productive of my own volition has proved to be challenge. If it was not I would already be on my feet and I have had six months to do so! Sadly, the end product falls short! If I seem to operate my best under pressure I am nearing that situation at a rapid rate, but perhaps then it will pay off! I have all the means to make my artwork and it is selling well enough. Perhaps now I can bring it to fruition? It is either that or get a job, though if I am creative I might split my time between the two?

 

What about me? It is so easy to be critical of others and find their strengths and failings. It is far harder to convert that effort to introspection, even if it is a favorite habit of my own. My oldest son is quick to remind me of the need to get on with my life, my youngest is far more understanding. I love them both equally. My oldest has embraced everything I have tried to avoid, my youngest, hah, he is just like me. Somewhere in between there is a balance, and even if things are a little tough right now, I am living well! My camper draws sound testimony to this and there are no complaints from that quarter. What improvements I need to make to regain some sense of stability are all in the making at this moment, and it is all about me! If I want to purvey a lesson to my children and anyone else who cares to listen it would be that. No matter what we decide to do with our lives, even if we devote it to the service of others, it is still our choice to do so, failures included. Having chosen to pursue the route I have taken I take full ownership for the decision, there is nobody else to credit or to blame.

 

What about me? I’ve got this! I am warm and comfortable at my present perch and looking forward to the day. I have been told that there is a super moon tonight and that Mercury is in retrograde. It is supposed to bring a reckoning of sorts and is a powerful moment in the big scheme of things. I arrived here in reasonably good repair, even if my favorite truck went to pieces last night and my sons cat got run over……….At least we got my Jeep moved before things went to crap and everyone else is ok, though he was a cool cat. We are nearing the end of the year also, and as I reflect on that it has been an interesting one.

 

In so many ways I am a step closer to my ideal situation, and there are no regrets. I started the year in a new place after breaking free from a less than ideal situation. Mid-year I was set free and I have made good use of that freedom. That is so much of why I am here, and can excuse any failings by acknowledging that. I needed the freedom to decide how to approach the remainder of my life, and I am on the right path. If I had resumed any other routine I would have quickly settled into it, as is my nature to do so. Instead I have remained footloose to some great extent, and it has brought me to where I am. I like me here, as I do in Nogal, and have no complaints in the end. I am settled to some great extent, at least for the moment, and only my finances have suffered. There are worse things than that. I made a lot of money in the last six years but I suffered. In considering the contrast the results are clear. Now I need but find center, and I am on my way towards that.

 

Perhaps I travel on for a while? It is something I need to consider, and I am waiting for a counteroffer now. In the interim I am staying busy and if I step it up a notch it might even work! I have a stack of artwork on the table that I will complete today. When it is done I will photograph it and post it on Etsy, and see where it goes. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, and it will sell one way or the other, I already know that. I have every reason to be creative right now and the time to apply it. There is so little more I could ask for, I have done myself proud in the end. What about me? I’m ok.

 

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