December 25, 2017
Vera Cruz, New Mexico
Even as I reread my thoughts from yesterday I consider the blessings of my being here and make myself a promise. I promise to return here as often as I can, even knowing that I will be content where I am going also. I have learned to make those adjustments over the years and my happiness is equally balanced between who I am as to where I am. If I am content with my life I will fill my time well, though I must say I am nearly always happy when I am here. The essentials of that, the sun and the sky, the mountains and the hills provide for so much of that. I have the equivalent of these where I am going and the lakes, the river and the portal to the wilderness are all within my reach. Still yet, there is an essential factor of myself which I am surrounded by here which I want to keep close to me. I am reminded of it now.
If I bemoan my solitude here so I treasure it also. I have grown and learned so much from this solitary perch, and rarely have I shared it. There has only been one man in residence in all the years I have lived here. His dominance cut it short, though he still has my blessings, wherever he may be. When I have otherwise shared my life it has been elsewhere and even then the years I’ve lived alone outweigh the partnerships. It is something I have come to recognize as a matter of choice, and I will return here as much for that as for the beauty and serenity it always has to offer. It is the same reason I have chosen to leave, at least for now, as I have become too familiar with that way of life. I am seeking the company of others as much as I am the financial gains the new job has to offer.
I promise to return here, so as to never forget the basic foundation of who and what I am and have aspired to be. This place reeks of me-ness, who I have always wanted to be, the mountain woman, the self-sufficient, creative, inspired and grounded person I have tried to be from the start. It is filled with singleness and ambition, my nest feathered with art and the efforts of so many years of life and living. There is the house, humble and cozy, the artwork on the walls, mine and others, the mementoes of my travels, stones, skulls and artifacts I have carried home to stay. There is the garden spot, ready for the next planting, the fruit trees still ready to blossom and bear fruit, and the woodpile, at ready to warm the house. And there are the mountains and trails, familiar to my feet and to feast my eyes upon each moment I am here.
All of this is an integral factor of my life and my person, the threads which comprise the fabric of my life, a part of me, even when I am absent. I can walk away knowing how easily I can return. I need but key the lock and I am home. It is good to remind myself of this as it makes it easier to leave, as I can always come back. I know this as I have done it before! How many times I have left here, only to return, again, and again. I have left and thought I never would come back to stay, and as of yet I have not. I have returned and been determined to stay, and left again anyway. I have lived here, for days, weeks, and months, but I always leave again, just as I am now. I was here for seven months this time, though even then I came and went.
If things go as I hope there will be no garden here, though I will fix the windmill. I will come home to water the trees, and perhaps to harvest peaches. I will not plan on the latter, there has been only one crop in fourteen years, but that was this year, and in plentitude. This coming year may offer the same? I pruned the trees hard so they might survive another dry winter, and if I am lucky they will also bear fruit. I need to water them so they will and that will be amongst the first order of business. I will grow a crop in T or C, though I have yet to be sure where I will be. I am settled in for the moment but still looking for alternatives and it would be nice to have a house, even if it is in town. The winter will be fine but I need shelter from the heat. The confines of my camper are good when it is cold but will be too cramped for the summer.
A promise. I have promised myself that no matter where I am or what I am doing that I will preserve the serenity I have come to find and the life I have lived when I am here. I promise to remain true to myself, to the universe and the path I have been led to, that I can best contribute all that I can to the greater good of mankind. I promise to live my life in a good way so as to remain in harmony with the workings of the earth and the sky, that I may do more good than harm. I promise to live in such a manner as to be an inspiration to my friends and family, that they will all be reminded of the simplicity of a life well lived, and the subsequent balance that can be attained by that practice. I promise to remain open to the guidance of the powers greater than myself that they may flow through me and into others, by my thoughts, my words and my actions. If I have lived a solitary existence everything I have said and done still affects others and I wish for that to come about in a good way. I will do my best to assure of it. I promise to do my best.
I feel like I just got here. I feel like I never left. It is the nature of this place I have called my home for nearly fifteen years. From the start I have kept my most precious belongings here, and it will remain so. I leave with only the things I require for my immediate needs, the comforts stay behind. Each time I return I sort through what I have left and lighten the load, and this time was no exception. As I ready myself to depart once again I have reduced the space I will live into one small quarters,(and have sold the bigger bus), thus I will travel light. I will bring more art supplies than anything else, at least for the moment. At some point I will either find a house, or a bigger bus (LOL) to live in. I will decide once I settle in.
My needs are few and I will carry most of them in my heart, and a few in my hands. It is what remains here which is most important, though I can live without most of it. It is the promise I am making to myself and the world around me which carries all of the essentials. As long as I remain true to myself and my greater purpose all will be well with me. I have work to do and I will do it well but I will never again allow myself to forget who I am when I am here or the reasons for that being so. I have surrounded myself with the greatest treasures of life and there is so little else I require. In the end it is that which makes it so easy to leave, knowing it is here whenever I need or want to access it. That will remain the one constant in a life so full of change.
Even as I ready myself to leave I am as close as I have ever been to being able to stay. That is less a contradiction than it is a certainty. A year ago I was starting a new adventure on the eastern plains of New Mexico. I am now poised to venture to the southwest instead, and ever closer to the fulfillment of my dreams. As with so many of the places I have landed, I have been considering this one for years. I am looking forward to the prospects. I might have gone there to stay even if I hadn’t been employed, but the job is a plus. If I have spent so much of the last many years trying to resolve my debts, I am now on track to doing so, having learned so many lessons! Coming to be so at peace with myself was worth the cost in the end, and it is all I have ever really wanted. I promise to remain true to that going forward.