Authors note: If sometimes I am afraid I offer too much ‘Dear Diary’ stuff, so it is all meant to be shared! We miss the finer details at times for seeing the bigger picture, and forget how precious every moment of life can be in a given instance. I have again been reminded of the same and wish to share it with those so gracious as to read my words. Thank you to you all!!!
January 19, 2018
Vera Cruz, New Mexico
I woke to the rare wonderful sense of elation, out the door at daybreak to breathe the cool morning air, and to grab a load of wood. It isn’t that there is no wood by the stove but that I need to be outside, to greet the day, say my prayer, to welcome the day at its fullest. If I didn’t step out the door I might miss that, the touch of the wind, the caress of the universe at I wake to its lead for the day.
My prayer was simple as always, but all-encompassing also. I said thanks for all things, asked for guidance and direction and said a special prayer for a friend who has, by all measure, been offered a reprieve. If he met and stood at deaths door in silence he chose his moment of deliverance to share with me, something I am grateful for. That I would have joyfully supported his spirit through the worst, the offer of his health restored was as humbling as any gift I could witness. I prayed for him of the eve and the morn, and will hope for his recovery to be swift.
My friend reminded me of the precious quality of life itself, perhaps contributing to my elation this morning. It is days such as this when all things are good, and the simple fact of waking in itself is a gift. Couple that with the beauty of the sky and all that it presides over and the wonders are unquestionable. That I woke here, at my sacred perch, with the knowledge I am soon to return to one other also touched me. There have been times that has been so distant and as I have so often yearned to return here so the tug of places west has so often haunted me. Now I get to go back!!! If there is some trepidation regarding my return to full time employment that in itself is also a gift as it furthers my opportunities for the future. New doors will open from here.
What that there is still so much uncertainty, I have also relinquished so much to the forces which guide me when I allow them to. I have let go and let God in so many ways and I am watching the possibilities unfold before me. If some would call it coincidence I prefer to see it as divine intervention and I am willing to follow that lead. Just as I am envisioning a place in Hillsboro or the like, so I am drawn to Placitas. I am eager to explore both possibilities. I have thrived on such adventures in the past and I have the great sense of embarking on a new one. If I so often have plans and goals so I am ready to see where I am led, and I will know when I have arrived!
Funny, an image comes to mind and brings a tear to my eye. I loved a man named Gerald Rogers (Susan, I hope you are reading this!) many years ago. He was already ruined by the time we met, as so many of the men I have loved have been. The ravages of past failures, alcohol, and diabetes were already on their way to stealing his remaining vitality, but he still had a grasp on his life. He still loved and laughed and dreamed, and I had the chance to share some of that with him at a time when I needed every ounce of that. I adored him as only a young and innocent woman can adore such a man, not seeing the future but reveling in the present, taking what I could of what was offered to me, disregarding the rest. I care not to recall what came after but instead remember clearly his tall and too thin person perched on the edge of the bed. He was bouncing and grinning and singing out loud, “We are off on another journey!” We all laughed with him at the prospect of that! He still had the power to dream and we had the chance to share it.
So it is that I too am off on another journey, elated and yet saddened all at the same time. My emotions run a little high today, for all of the above reasons. If I rarely cry these days there have been tears in my eyes more than once of late. A dear friend made me cry just days ago, as a tear traces my cheek even now. After years of a distance friendship he offered a new level of closeness, or at least of sharing our thoughts. I have allowed my feelings for him their freedom, as it has been a safe haven for doing so. Now the door cracks open and I tentatively put a toe into the light. It is a friendship I treasure and care not to lose. I will tread softly so as to honor the same. Then just yesterday I had the rare and wonderful chance to exchange stories with a long time friend. There is never enough of that and she and I laughed and cried together as we reflected on our lives, and all the blessings included. Then my friend called last night, as he welcomes a time of healing, and we cried again. Life is so very precious, and it is good to be reminded of that. No wonder I welcome this elation, and feel it so fully! I am surrounded by such blessings! All is well today!