By Nature Serene
March 18, 2018
Caballo, New Mexico
By Nature Serene
By my own nature I am serene. There are those who know me who would argue that, and I can see why. In my day to day existence there are many moments I am far from serene. I am reactive to my environment, driven in my pursuits and in almost constant motion. I have trouble standing still, I need to occupy my mind if I am idle for any amount of time, I stay busy, always. Still yet, I am serene. I wake of the morning in perfect stillness, my mind tuned to the coo of the dove, the call of the goose, or to utter silence, if I am so lucky. I can lay still for an hour if such is availed to me and even drift back to sleep. Left to my own devices I can then write for hours, uninterrupted.
Why then this sometimes frantic nature?? I have dreamed, and so often lived, in the absence of that. I have retreated to my Nogal House and spent days in such peacefulness. I have wandered the wilderness, for days, and even weeks at a time with no distractions, and found true happiness. I have sought the same in every waking moment when things were otherwise, and found it so difficult to maintain. I have allowed the very virtue of necessity and dedication to tip the balance, while still maintaining some sense of the same. I love my work and approach it with true devotion and seriousness, but the hurdles seem all but insurmountable at times. If I recognize the reasons I have yet to find the solutions. I am bound to try once more, as I am happy to be where I am, and the serenity I require is also in my reach.
How so? I saw it yesterday even as I was weighing my options of leaving. It is closer here than elsewhere, and the intimacy I have established with it remains, even at a distance. I need but gaze to the northwest and it surrounds me. I need but make a thirty minute drive and I am there, and it is also closer than that. Each and every canyon and cliff seems to emanate the same energy, each rock on the sandy ground reminds me of its presence. The connection is powerful, and viable in every sense of the word. If I have also found it elsewhere it is closer here. It is something I require and in recognizing that I also see the need to strike the balance so that I can stay. The serenity must carry over into everything I do if I am to succeed. It is the one thing I have too often failed to do and if I cannot accomplish that here, neither can I do so elsewhere.
Perhaps I should have titled this, ‘Another Life Lesson’, as that is most certainly what it is. There have been many of those along the way but this is as important as any. Having had a week off and stepped away from all but my own requirements, I have again found center. I have so quickly restored the sense of balance I depend on, along with my inherent serenity. It is inherent, I was born with the ability and desire to exist in that very state of being, and have worked towards it for my lifetime. I dreamed of the solitary cabin in the wilderness from the start, and sought it ever since. I have lived there often and have the same here and now. My bus is the epitome of that in so many ways for I need but drive off into the desert or the forest and I am there. I have done so often enough! Even where I sit I am in walking distance from the lake and can see its glimmer out my window.
Why then the disruption? My work place is serene enough also, when I am at Clancy! I can drive but minutes from the office to my own peaceful spot. I can climb the stairs to the old block building and leave the door ajar to the sunshine. I have a view of the old town, squat houses, trees and narrow streets, and I am alone to do my work. I can sit there for hours sometimes with no interruption, yet I am minutes from anything there is to do. I am productive there and have already made a strong contribution, though I have yet to see the results. I need to be patient on that count, and have been counseled with the same. I need to learn to disregard the perceived failings of others, and be grateful to sidestep that also, while having the good sense to not criticize. That in itself would be wonderful, and the learning curve has begun. I also need to ignore the inertia and instead perceive it as an opportunity for me to excel, if such will be allowed.
That then is the issue, and I feel stifled. Having lived alone for so long I meet my own needs and requirements head on, and address them. If there is an issue, I identify it, if it is broken, I fix it, I make lists, and then follow them. I want to do the same here but it is far from that easy, and there are many other people involved besides myself. I am eager for results, but they too have their own agendas. I just got here, they have been here for years. I move quickly, they walk slowly. I have questions and ask them, they are slow to reply. I need to be still, keep doing what I do best and leave it to them to carry on as they will. It will either work or it won’t but if I shatter my serenity in the process, or theirs for that matter, the whole thing goes to shit. It is up to me to step up, not them, and if I fail it will be my own failure, not theirs. The moment I blame anyone else for my own unhappiness, as I have already done, I lose the path I should have followed.
I am, by nature, serene. There is no reason I cannot step forward into each and every day with the cloak of serenity wrapped around my shoulders. One would think that would be so simple, having made such a suggestion, but it is not. It takes true strength and character to allow any slights or challenges to slide off of your shoulders and to consider them from a distance. If I have attempted to do this in the past I am just now really starting to consider it objectively. If I can do it in a given moment, why not put it to practice. Just as I have set my mind to a healthier diet, in mind, body and spirit, so I need to apply it at work as well. It needs to be twenty four seven and 360 degrees, not just about myself. If I have already restored a healthy aversion to candy and donuts, why not to frustration and resentment? There is no room for any of that in my life if I am to be truly healthy and happy, and no reason why I should not find the means to have it.
If I am so smart let me begin with this! If I am the first one to make light of my own philosophy then I should also be the first to act on it. I have long proclaimed that one of the best things about being alone is that one cannot blame their unhappiness on anyone but their selves. Well…………doesn’t this apply to all things? If I am to not take anything personally then I should also view others from that same perspective, and leave them to their own devices instead of expecting anything from them. If it is to be done, I must do it myself, and I am also getting paid for the same. If it is theirs to do, then I should allow them that also. If it fails to get done it will be on them, not me, and I have plenty to do as it is. If I have learned to not only find problems, but to also find solutions, so I should do so, with no regard for what others could have or should have been doing. That is not my concern, nor in all honesty for me to judge. I have been so busy asking why others have not addressed the things I see need to be done that I have failed to balance myself in the process. If I am to stay this is the first thing I must do. I am by nature serene, and I have done just that.