Archive | August 2018

How Often

Window

August 22, 2018

Nogal House

Vera Cruz, New Mexico

 

How Often

 

How often

Have I

Played the fool

And let this

Slip away

How often

Have I left here

With all intent

And purpose

Only to be

Led astray

How often

Have I ignored

My own

Sage advice

And compromised

The very basis

Of my existence

And how often

Have I returned

To heal?

I am leaving

Here, again

As much

Out of desire

As necessity

Not because I

Want to

But because

I have created

The necessity

That I have to

As I continue

To fail

At the desired

Outcome

Of true

Financial freedom.

What is

My failing

That so often

I depart

With such

Sole intent

And return

Before it is done

Why is it

I continue

To struggle

When the solutions

Are at my fingertips

And how often

Will I pause

To consider that.

I have realigned

My sights

For the umpteenth

Time

But my focus

Is sharper

Than it was

In years past

And though I

Have made

Yet another

Commitment

The first one

Was made

To myself

And my word

Is as good

As it has ever been

And it is clearer

Than it was

In the past

And it has never

Been

More critical

That I hold

To that promise

For how often

Have I not.

 

 

Healing, Day Three

August 22, 2018

Nogal House

Vera Cruz, New Mexico

 

Healing, Day Three

 

Healing is a funny thing. One would imagine that the repair of any part of their person would feel good instead of painful. If I am in the healing process again it also hurts. My neck is stiff from unaddressed tension, my muscles are sore from forced exercise and in spite of a good night’s sleep I am tired. Still yet I hate to complain and am most grateful that at least now I am the source of my angst, not something outside of my control. I am in recovery, again, and hope with all sincerity that I have learned a final lesson. I have repeated this one too often, and having freed myself again care not to repeat it. I will return to work, but only on my terms. My wellness is too precious to do otherwise.

 

Why such angst on a beautiful rainy morning? I slept well and woke early. If yesterday’s dawn was as brilliant as any I chose further rest instead. I smiled at the golden light which spread across the hillside and turned back to my pillow. I might have done the same today, it would have been so easy. Instead of clear light the colors were muffled and the clouds all shades of grey. The moisture laden air was cool and still and my blankets warm and soft. If the temptation pulled at my eyelids it was the subtle tone of pink cast by the nearing sunrise which roused me. I have lived for such moments in all the years I have been here, and for as many more before that. The simple fact that I did not have to get up and go to work bade me to rest, but I resisted it.

 

Such rewards for my choices!!! I dressed quickly and met the day full on before the sun ever rose. I walked the perimeter of my perch so as the view every angle, camera in hand. The soft light of dawn colored the clouds and the ever present snapshot of the windmill blessed the coming day. But then I rounded the corner, facing to the south, the Sacramento Mountains cloaked in clouds, and touched deep by a glowing rainbow. This was what I had risen for and even as the soft drops of rain began to fall I was welcomed home in full fashion. What I might have missed for another hour of sleep, what I will take with me through this day instead. Why then the angst? I am still healing and joyfulness, as with good fitness and full health, takes time to replenish.

 

Then again I should be tired. In just this past two weeks I have been from Truth or Consequences to Silver City, back to T or C, to Nogal and back, to Albuquerque to fly to San Diego, drove back to Nogal from California, from there back to Albuquerque and then to T or C, back to Nogal and then back to San Antonio, NM to retrieve my camper. Nearly 1500 road miles alone and only now I rest a moment, all my possessions again in one place and for a brief moment free from work as well. I drive again today, teach class in Roswell and then back to Fort Sumner to work again…..though as I said, on my own terms. I am in need of respite and it will be woven into my plans.

 

Such plans I have! Even my eldest son, ever the stoic so it seems, commented on my freedom. He would have been more concerned except that I have taken a turn for the better. I have a better job, more respect and appreciation, more freedom of choice and more money, a good move. But, as he noted, I also have the mobility most people, and especially him, do not. He is committed to the Marine Corps but so many others have a near equal commitment and changing jobs and places does not come so easily for them. For me it is a simple matter of choice, though I know I am blessed to have such opportunities. I am also ready to be still! My priorities, in particular in this instance, run well beyond employment and income. It is the healing of my spirit I am concerned with and I must be mindful of everything which has returned me to this place. I should know better by now……..

 

My plans, even as the wind finds that place on the corner of the roof that makes it howl. Plans, even as I peruse the wood pile, ponder the grey clouds and comfort of my jacket when just yesterday I was too warm. Winter looms on the horizon and soon it will be fall; time to cut wood and ready for the cold. Plans, that I will try to spend as much time here as anywhere else unless I find a suitable roost in Fort Sumner instead. I have set a new priority, one which requires my immediate needs and desires come before all else, and that I dedicate an equal amount of energy to see them to fruition even as I continue to support myself. I shall focus on my wellness, my fitness and good spirit. I will write every day as I have always done and take that a step further by sharing it, on line, on the page and with the spoken word. I will seek, find and bring together those who I have sought for so long, that we may celebrate our visions and experiences with the spoken word. I will make that my life’s work going forward.

 

Plans, so many I have made and so many I have completed. My previous lists are marked off, now there is a new one to follow. Still the wind howls. If the summer rains came late so they have cooled the air and lead into winter. Will it be cold this year? Will it snow as it did in years past. How I hope to hunker here and study on the simple joys of survival and solitude. Even as I commit myself to sharing and communing with those who wish to share their words so I look towards those moments of pure existence. I miss being undistracted and uninterrupted but for tending the fire and watching the storms. It will be hard to leave today, though leave I must. I will hurry back here also! If there has always been solace and comfort here now it begs for me to stay! For this reason I go forth again, to assure I have the means to do so, though I may winter elsewhere, I want to be here!

 

Healing. Once again the essentials stare me in the face with the same insistence as the coming seasons. This is yet another season of my life and I have turned another corner. I am sixty now and the passage of the years cannot be ignored. I am again faced with the restoration of the things I have promised myself to maintain, and having slipped once again it takes effort to return to them. Not that I have slipped far, I know better than that, but ten extra pounds is still ten pounds and soft muscles are no different. So it is with my spirit and I know the dangers, the decline is a gradual slope, the way back grows steeper and further with time. I wish to keep the summit in reach that I can be on high at will, I remain mindful of the same! Today as yesterday I will work my way back up. Just as I will add to the woodpile so I stack my blessings in the same manner, a mindful effort which will warm me twice, and assure of my survival. What better plan is there? I am healing, day three.