Defining Happiness
September 27, 2026
Nogal House
Indian Divide, New Mexico
Defining Happiness
What a lovely title this has! I could write a book on this subject and it certainly deserves a well considered effort to describe. Happiness, waking at daybreak in my bus, the air cool, the linen sheets exquisite, the comfort immense. Watching the first light as it touches the peaks of the Vera Cruz Mountain and makes its walk to the base, the sky a pastel painting of clouds and color. I can hear the chatter of the pinion jays, which always makes me smile. My first thoughts are of the pure joy of the moment, the luxury of a life well lived, the comfort of not being rushed to rise and get on with the day, the stillness. All of this led me to contemplate happiness as I rose, dressed, gathered my book and clothes and stepped out the door to greet the day. Even the necessity of stepping outside to cross the yard to the house evoked happiness, and I watched a raven soar past overhead, the whoosh of wings making me pause for the full effect. This, then, is precious, and so easily missed from the shelter of my home. I would have missed all of this, the sunrise, the clouds, the jays, the pure joy and essence of the new day, in exchange for few comforts.
I have so often spoken of being feral, of the wildish side of my nature, my close connection to earth and sky. I would rather sleep outside than indoors and I have been that way for most all of my life. Lacking wilderness I leave the windows open, and for so many years I lived in campers and buses with the door open wide until the rains came or the winter chill required confinement for the sake of staying warm and dry. In the years of my travels I slept on the ground for months at a time and even when offered a bed, oft as not, slept outside. There is a part of my nature that requires this connection and that will never change. I have chided with my children that if I should ever have to be in a nursing home to make sure there is a place where I can sit outside. Hopefully I will never have to go there, and given the option will walk off into the wilderness and lean against a tree when my time comes near. Please do not try to find me!
But this essay is about living, not the final pause. Happiness defined. I am not sure, in spite of such deep study on the subject, if I have ever made that effort, or if I even wish to try. We confine everything to a definition, to specifics, to the constraints of societies demands. Happiness flies free of that, or it should. I will note that even the ‘definition’ is open ended for that same reason. It is certainly not defined by possessions or riches, even if it appears under the guise of the same. Happiness comes from within and is a state of mind we wish to revel in, or at least for me that is the focus. Happiness defined, from my perspective, is the fulfillment of my deepest desires, those for serenity and peace of mind above and beyond all else. The silent dawn that brings the chatter of the jay and the caw of the raven to my ears. The unhurried awakening, the leisure of the first hour of the day being purely my own to enjoy. The time to do as I wish before I engage with anything or anyone else.
By nature, my definition will vary from that of anyone else. We all have our own needs and wants and they are as unique as every aspect of life can ever be. Still yet, whatever we choose to fulfill it, happiness is a state of mind, a verb, not a noun or a possession we can buy or aspire to. It is a moving target, a wandering spirit, a bird in flight that only our eyes can follow. I choose to find my happiness in the simplest things and this morning it is my clear focus. Sometimes I forget to consider it and by doing so the feeling escapes me. Today I chose to take pause. Rather than hurry I went gently, I took the time to work out and then went for a walk after telling myself that everything else could wait. I built a small fire in the porch stove so I could sit beside the open window and gaze on the mountains in the distance. I sat to write at length and in depth before I allowed anything else to distract me. Now I must consider this, as it has become my primary focus of late. What is it that I wish to do with the remainder of my life that will assure that my happiness remains a priority?
I am blessed with the luxury of being able to make that choice. Yes, of course there are necessities that remain a constant but all told, I get to choose. I have lived my life in pursuit of happiness, and have been fortunate to find so much of it along the way. Now, as the years begin to run short, when the finite nature of life itself can no longer be ignored, I have to ask what I most need and want to comprise the fabric of the remainder of my time. If I were to cycle off the planet today I can say I have lived well, but given that I am still here, what of tomorrow? How do I want to fill this day and every one thereafter? Is this how I want my life to look a year from now if I am still here? What do I want to change, if anything? As with the definition of happiness the answer is a moving target, but some things remain a constant. Peace of mind, serenity, a quiet calm awaking each and every day all come to mind immediately. Keeping it simple as an essential.
I have work to do today, as always, but I will go about it joyfully. I will give my time and attention to the things that assure of my stability and comfort, as well as my good health. I will avoid distraction and instead savor each and every waking moment as I should. I will watch the sky, the clouds, the nearing storm and be grateful for the opportunity to do so. It comes to mind that I might do something special for myself, but I’m not even sure what that might be as I am already so content. I will go gently, that is for certain and perhaps I will plant some garlic before the rains return, a simple effort with a wonderful reward. I will be right here come next summer and will recall this moment when I pull the fragrant bulbs. A raven caws in the distance, telling me that all is good, flying off to the south as he departs. I cannot define happiness, but I have come so very close. I am blessed.
Spontaneity
September 30, 2018
Bohemian Grace II
Coyote Road
Fort Sumner, New Mexico
Spontaneity
It is the spontaneity which wears thin with the years. I am not the same person I was eleven years ago, though I certainly aspire to be her. I am the same in so many ways but the joyful flow of words is altered, strained by the struggles I have allowed into my life.
Might I have taken a different path? Perhaps, I sought it for certain. If I have never looked for the easy way around I have always tried to keep my feet on the best road I could. In so many ways I have succeeded at that but the effort to maintain my balance has still taken its toll.
I remember a moment, many years ago, kneeling in front of the stone hearth on my front porch and questioning my logic. I was building a fire to heat my morning tea and asked myself a question. Would I take another step towards work and worry if I knew the world as it is would soon be altered? If the conventional structure of our lives was to be shattered what good would it be to try to stay abreast of it, at the cost of my very happiness? Why make such a sacrifice as that if in the end it would not matter in the least?
I chose to stay the course, just in case it did matter. I see now where it has, and it does, but the cost has been exorbitant! The gentle flow of my voice from that time, some eleven years ago, is now strained by concern. If I can still attain that same peace of mind I had then, it is fleeting. Rather than being in such a moment I am yearning to return to it. Am I close to meeting the goals I have chosen? Yes. Has it been worth what I sacrificed to get there? I am not yet sure.
What that the alternatives would have come at a cost also. I might have followed a gentler path but it would have been a spare one. If I now have the shelter of my camper to rely on, and a fleet of reasonably trustworthy vehicles, I may not have. There was no assurance at that time that I would still have my Nogal House, but I do. I might have remained there and kept the windmill in repair and the garden would have flourished. My immediate needs would have been met but with far less opportunity for experience and adventure. It would have been a very simple life. I would have recorded every moment.
There is no changing the past. I cannot go backwards and see where I might have gone, or alter those choices. What I can do is to reaffirm the ones I made and to fill in the gaps where they seem to have gaped. I cannot remove the scars or callouses, but I can try to avoid causing more. I can still practice the methods of life which I know to be the best and avoid the negative ones. I can, as I did yesterday, take the road deep into the lush green beauty of the river valley and then walk the parameter of the lake. I can breathe the cool freshness of the fresh fall air, and savor the moment to its fullest. So I can also remind myself of the things I hold most precious and reaffirm them in every way possible.
There is no room or reason for regrets. The simple practices of reverence, my morning prayer, kneeling before the fire, walking my water to my door, are all a constant part of my existence. I have not forgotten those promises I made to myself some forty years ago, nor those from much more recent times. I am still that same woman, just a little wiser for the wear. I am not sorry for choosing to follow this path but I am more cautious and mindful of the things I might sacrifice to stay on it. Wisdom puts spontaneity in balance, but neither choice requires relinquishing ones happiness.
Footnote: September 30, 2024: I have lived my entire life wondering when and if the world as we know it would come to an end. The fact is that in so many ways it has. The simplicity that defined my youth, complicated of course by war and threat of annihilation from a nuclear bomb, no longer exists as it was then. We have ‘progressed’ in ways that I saw coming even as a child and had so much fear of. I fled even then, going west in hopes of finding some vestige of the simple life that I read about in books written in the early 1900’s, those written over one hundred years ago now. I dreamt of the cabin in the woods and the simple homestead life, even if it had its challenges. I replicated that image in so many ways. I need but ownership of my land and a functional water well and I can provide for everything else. I am as close, and as far from having that as I was when I formulated that dream. What I am doing is living my life as I envisioned it would be, all those years ago. I am home to stay. What else is there I could even ask for?
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